Darla's Mom

Sometimes I have adorable children visit me at work … and more than once I’ve been tempted to bring one home with me (especially when I know they will be taken from their own homes soon)…but then I get back to my own adorable child and realize what I should REALLY do is write myself a book to read when that urge hits.
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> Title: Children are Disgusting
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> Chapters
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> 1: other people’s poop and gross places you will find it and have to touch it
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> 2. Boogers are not food
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> 3. Boogers offered by your friends born in China =/= Chinese food
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> 4. No Gwen Stefani: touch someone else’s dirty bath water is not something I’d love to do! For sure I’m not bathing in it!
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> 5. What is the stain on my wall? Did it just move?
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> 6. Strangers don’t want to hear how "your big giant squishy butt is so pretty".
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> 7. Gun carrying, tattooed groups of young men may or may not enjoy your child telling them "You shouldn’t draw on your arms! My mommy is going to put you in Time Out!".
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> 8. Midnight vomiting
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> 9. Oh my gawd, the ick on the wall has crawled to under the table … is it bubbling?
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> 10. Who put cheese in the clothes dryer?
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> 11. Preparing food I hate because "it’s healthy" is really just torture.
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> 12
> You must have did it because I can’t remember.
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> 13
> Bedtimes.Bedtimes are for babies
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> 14
> I don’t want to kill my plaque bugs because killing is wrong…how my child tries to "Nelson Mandella" her way out of oral hygiene.
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> 15
> Sand in the car means you’re driving a beach
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> 16
> Can I take the lobster home from the grocery store and name it Bob? He will be a cute pet!
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> 17
> "OH NO! You’re the Poe-po" and other awkward things yelled by my child to passing police cars
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> 18
> I covered my whole body in your $25 lipstick while Daddy watched and then I rolled on your new sheets and pulled a Farrah Fawcett on your white walls. See? Pretty!
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> 19
> I bought you a gift from.Target while you shopped. I didn’t have money so I held it in my shirt. (I’ve since contacted Target and brought the item in to pay for it)
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> I slept with my tuna fish sandwich under my pillow because I named it Nemo and wanted to read it bedtime stories.