Darla's Mom

It has been forever since I’ve pulled an all nighter…probably since the night before Jackie went to Sailing Camp at Dana Point in her Junior High years.
* I am so tired. Hopefully it will be worth it. I’m old school and feel compelled to hand sew stocking and move the elf. Her excitement will be explosive.
*for Jackie’s first Christmas I quilted her stocking. For weeks I poked my fingers and pulled threads through cherubim and french horn fabric.as a toddler she slept in it over Christmas Eve. I don’t expect I will outgrow the urge to make the holidays special for them.
*my earliest Christmas memory is waking up in the middle of the night with my brothers and opening every gift under the tree. Every gift. Then we went to sleep but our sin was written in marker and candy across our faces and sticky fingers. I remember receiving the worst beating of my life for that. You probably don’t want to know that wasn’t an exaggeration.
* I love Christmas but it will be just Darla and me this year. Dad’s has a lady friend is attending his dinner so we will stay far away from her. I’m afraid if I get to close to her I might tell her what a horrid person she is. As you can imagine, I’m not a fan of grown ups who are proud of being nasty to kids.
*so I stayed I put making stocking and party mix.

We had a flurry with a small flight of elf

Glitter glue. #woo

I wish I could be the mother I think I an at 5:25 a.m. when my alarm goes off.

As my eyes slowly open I make the list if things to accomplish for the day:

1. Get up and get ready (in something that actually matches and maybe not yoga pants…but I’ve digressed)

2. Swiftly make a sweep of the downstairs and silently unload the dishwasher then pop in any stray glasses or plates I can find

3. Start breakfast while packing lunches

4. Wake up the the kid and cheerily dress, feed, and pack people into the car – on time.

5. Sing, chat, and have a bond get experience on the way to school and then during my lunch break run child centered errands.

6. Take a quiet moment before returning to my car to collect people, and use that moment to really assess my daughter’s view of herself and me and what she needs from me.
💚💛💜💛 I wish I were that person.

In reality I do pack lunch and sometimes.make an entire breakfast but mostly it is a waffle or oatmeal & milk. I pack lunches a night before, or sometimes prepackaged 5 on Sunday because I am the mother most likely to send you to school with a bag of spoons and a cheese stick. I am not a morning person and if I could avoid talking before 9 am all together I would reduce the list of people I want to pinch.

On the way to school we play "I Spy" and discuss "The Dodgers and why The Little Mermaid’s dad has a belly button but Adam and Eve don’t (in pictures), this leads to talks of Ancient Ethiopia and the Cradle of Civilization and all kinds of stuff a 3 year probably doesn’t discuss or think about.

I wish I were patient. And kind; I wish I were kind and nice and soft. My internal fantasy of me is someone warm and fuzzy.

Last week I went to family court to tell a judge that I should be the parent who raises this particular child. I was afraid to be a single parent again because the first time I did this u was young and afraid and clueless. My oldest daughter is bright and beautiful and seems to have survived me – but I was hoping this time I would have someone to take the edge off of me.

Her dad is not the man I wanted him to be either. I saw him as soft and sweet and since at and I kept telling myself he would be reliable and wise and smart.

I guess the best parenting qualities I have are that I am reliable. I keep my promises. I show up. And I think it is worth noting that I care and value who my girls Clare in each stage of their life.

I watch my friends parent and it comes to them so naturally. I don’t think anything comes to me naturally.

Well, loving them comes naturally, and a mother is supposed to love – so I have that going for me.

We are snuggled under the blanket and she is playing "I Spy" with her "finding eyes". Theses are the same magic infused eyes that find my car in large parking lots.

I made gingerbread me for Darla’s class party today.

I may or may not have set a small fire in my oven.

But I baked.

And when I got to school, all the yoga pant, Starbucks drinking mom’s had brought store bought cookies.

I can’t think of a single time my folks sent me to school with store bought cookies or cupcakes.

The thought never crossed my mind.

There will be a reckoning.

Oh, the cookies are amazing. Yum.

Who wants one?

Dough hands

Prayers, Faith and Magic.
I taught Darla to pray as soon as she could speak because faith is important to me and I want to give her that tool, skill, strength.

Darla goes to the Lutheran Church where she is learning get about God and Faith from a pastor. For the first time she has questions:

Q. Is God a girl or boy (Yes. Most people think of God as a guy, but he created life like a girl.)

Q. Does Jesus live in a star? (No. The star helped people find him…he was probably potty trained be for the wise men got to him)

Q. God and Jesus only love little kids, right? (Wrong. That’s who Mommy loves. God and Jesus aren’t as constantly annoyed with grown ups as Mommy is)