Darla's Mom

Photos and musings as I raise this kid

I Wish I Could Be…

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I wish I could be the mother I think I an at 5:25 a.m. when my alarm goes off.

As my eyes slowly open I make the list if things to accomplish for the day:

1. Get up and get ready (in something that actually matches and maybe not yoga pants…but I’ve digressed)

2. Swiftly make a sweep of the downstairs and silently unload the dishwasher then pop in any stray glasses or plates I can find

3. Start breakfast while packing lunches

4. Wake up the the kid and cheerily dress, feed, and pack people into the car – on time.

5. Sing, chat, and have a bond get experience on the way to school and then during my lunch break run child centered errands.

6. Take a quiet moment before returning to my car to collect people, and use that moment to really assess my daughter’s view of herself and me and what she needs from me.
💚💛💜💛 I wish I were that person.

In reality I do pack lunch and sometimes.make an entire breakfast but mostly it is a waffle or oatmeal & milk. I pack lunches a night before, or sometimes prepackaged 5 on Sunday because I am the mother most likely to send you to school with a bag of spoons and a cheese stick. I am not a morning person and if I could avoid talking before 9 am all together I would reduce the list of people I want to pinch.

On the way to school we play "I Spy" and discuss "The Dodgers and why The Little Mermaid’s dad has a belly button but Adam and Eve don’t (in pictures), this leads to talks of Ancient Ethiopia and the Cradle of Civilization and all kinds of stuff a 3 year probably doesn’t discuss or think about.

I wish I were patient. And kind; I wish I were kind and nice and soft. My internal fantasy of me is someone warm and fuzzy.

Last week I went to family court to tell a judge that I should be the parent who raises this particular child. I was afraid to be a single parent again because the first time I did this u was young and afraid and clueless. My oldest daughter is bright and beautiful and seems to have survived me – but I was hoping this time I would have someone to take the edge off of me.

Her dad is not the man I wanted him to be either. I saw him as soft and sweet and since at and I kept telling myself he would be reliable and wise and smart.

I guess the best parenting qualities I have are that I am reliable. I keep my promises. I show up. And I think it is worth noting that I care and value who my girls Clare in each stage of their life.

I watch my friends parent and it comes to them so naturally. I don’t think anything comes to me naturally.

Well, loving them comes naturally, and a mother is supposed to love – so I have that going for me.

Written by Homeless

December 23, 2014 at 5:14 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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