Darla's Mom

Photos and musings as I raise this kid

I Wish I Could Be…

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I wish I could be the mother I think I an at 5:25 a.m. when my alarm goes off.

As my eyes slowly open I make the list if things to accomplish for the day:

1. Get up and get ready (in something that actually matches and maybe not yoga pants…but I’ve digressed)

2. Swiftly make a sweep of the downstairs and silently unload the dishwasher then pop in any stray glasses or plates I can find

3. Start breakfast while packing lunches

4. Wake up the the kid and cheerily dress, feed, and pack people into the car – on time.

5. Sing, chat, and have a bond get experience on the way to school and then during my lunch break run child centered errands.

6. Take a quiet moment before returning to my car to collect people, and use that moment to really assess my daughter’s view of herself and me and what she needs from me.
πŸ’šπŸ’›πŸ’œπŸ’› I wish I were that person.

In reality I do pack lunch and sometimes.make an entire breakfast but mostly it is a waffle or oatmeal & milk. I pack lunches a night before, or sometimes prepackaged 5 on Sunday because I am the mother most likely to send you to school with a bag of spoons and a cheese stick. I am not a morning person and if I could avoid talking before 9 am all together I would reduce the list of people I want to pinch.

On the way to school we play "I Spy" and discuss "The Dodgers and why The Little Mermaid’s dad has a belly button but Adam and Eve don’t (in pictures), this leads to talks of Ancient Ethiopia and the Cradle of Civilization and all kinds of stuff a 3 year probably doesn’t discuss or think about.

I wish I were patient. And kind; I wish I were kind and nice and soft. My internal fantasy of me is someone warm and fuzzy.

Last week I went to family court to tell a judge that I should be the parent who raises this particular child. I was afraid to be a single parent again because the first time I did this u was young and afraid and clueless. My oldest daughter is bright and beautiful and seems to have survived me – but I was hoping this time I would have someone to take the edge off of me.

Her dad is not the man I wanted him to be either. I saw him as soft and sweet and since at and I kept telling myself he would be reliable and wise and smart.

I guess the best parenting qualities I have are that I am reliable. I keep my promises. I show up. And I think it is worth noting that I care and value who my girls Clare in each stage of their life.

I watch my friends parent and it comes to them so naturally. I don’t think anything comes to me naturally.

Well, loving them comes naturally, and a mother is supposed to love – so I have that going for me.

Written by Homeless

December 23, 2014 at 5:14 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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